The Cabin in the Woods (2012)

Tony’s Review:
Attention Movie Fans: "The Cabin in the Woods" is the equivalent to what a bear does in the woods! I don't know what happened in the theater, but I feel violated. When I go to a steakhouse, I expect steak; an ice cream parlor, I expect ice cream. So when I go to a movie called the "Cabin in the Woods" I expect to see an edge of your seat horror flick that is worthy of the hard earned money I spent. That is not what I got in return. This movie was no more than a B-movie, and not a very good one at that. I have nothing against B-movies, but if that's what I am going to see let me know up front rather than playing the old switch-a-roo and wasting my time and hard earned dollars.

The premise of the movie is that ancient demons are always one step away from destroying the world, and the only thing that holds them back is the regular sacrifice of specific types of young adults. If that alone doesn’t set off the corny alarm I don’t know what does! However, none of this came across in the trailer. The movie had a few popular stars, which again covered its stinky tracks, and lured me into seeing it. This added to my feelings of being mislead. Now I will admit on those rainy Saturday nights or if your just hanging with friends and feeling stupid, then this movie will more than do the job; so it’s not totally useless. Just don’t put too much into it because like a bad relationship it doesn’t give back. It just takes and
stares back at you after the final credits roll and says…”What?!?” I give this one a heartfelt 1 bullet!

Will’s Review:
The previews for The Cabin in the Woods made it look like a suspense horror of the Hellraiser or Silent Hill variety. Well as it turns out, I was both right and horribly wrong. The movie actually had knockoff characters from both movies. As it turns out it had knockoff characters from just about every horror movie I have ever watched. This is one of the most confusing major motion pictures I’ve ever watched. Not because the storyline was complex; but because I wasn’t sure what kind of movie I was watching.

At times, it was intentionally comical like a spoof; at others suspenseful like a true horror movie; and others ludicrous like a bad sci-fi movie. The special effects were good, the cinematography excellent; yet nothing quite fit. When the movie ended, Tony and I looked at each other confused. It wasn’t until I was in the parking lot that it dawned on me. This was an amazing intentional B-movie. Now I like B-movies, but they are very taste specific. If you enjoy B-movies it is worth catching on Netflix (3 bullets), but since most people don’t, I rate it 2 bullets.

Fright Night (2011)

If there is one movie genre we have had an overabundance of in the last several years it is vampire movies. Not surprisingly most of them suck more than the undead nosferatu that populate them. I was fully expecting Fright Night to fall in line with all the others. Instead I was pleasantly surprised. Instead of a not-scary horror film (or the other type of popular vampire move, the lame romance film) I found myself watching a campy action film that reminded me of watching The Monster Squad (1987) back when I was a kid. It has the same “geek vs overwhelming odds” feel to it.

When the teenage Charley (Anton Yelchin) realizes that his neighbor Jerry (Colin Farrell) is a vampire, he struggles to protect his mom and his new hot girlfriend while keeping them both in the dark about what he suspects. Along the way he tries to defeat Jerry but finds that he is ill prepared, and Jerry instead plays with him like a cat toying with a mouse.

While the movie is not going to win any Oscars, it is quite entertaining. Farrell delivers a very convincing performance. I was quite impressed. Everyone else’s performances were acceptable, but nothing that stood out. The movie successfully combined action and humor with a little bit of suspense. While there were the normal “oh how convenient” issues, they weren’t so much so that they detracted from the story.

All in all, this movie was quite fun and worth seeing. It is rated R, and I’d agree with the rating. While it has a “The Monster Squad” feel, it would not be appropriate for younger kids. I give it a 8 / 10.

The Human Centipede: First Sequence (2009)

Originally written December 1, 2010 at 7:46 am

I heard this movie was so bad it was good. I should have been suspicious when the guy telling me about it, wouldn't say what it was about. Based on the name I half expected it to be some sort of a scifi horror where genetic manipulation goes horribly wrong. I couldn't be further from the truth. While there are plenty of horror movies that are so bad they are good, this one is just plain bad. It is so bad that I'm not even going to research the names of the actors in the movie.


Not only is it bad, it is disgusting on a whole new level. I'm going to spoil the movie but I think you should know before you even think of watching this movie. The general plot is an insane doctor specializing in the separation of conjoined twins decides to make a human centipede. He takes a man and two women and attaches them mouth to anus in a line, so that as the first one defecates it goes directly down the throat of the second and so on.


The acting is among the most horrible I have ever seen. Sadly the two women in the semi-lead roles give their best performances when they can no longer talk (you can guess why). I won't even get into how horrible the cops are played at the end. As with every horror movie the movie starts with the victim's stranded without cell phone reception. Every possible horror movie cliché is in this movie. Think of every possible scenario where you think "Don't do that/go there you idiot!" and it is in this movie.
I can not find one thing to say good about his movie. I would discourage anyone from watching this movie. This is 90 minutes of my life that I will never get back. Had I not been writing a review I would have cut my losses at about minute 30. I give it a 1 / 10.

Paranormal Activity (2009)

Originally written October 15, 2010 at 8:24 am

Paranormal Activity is filmed in the amateur camcorder view style commonly associated with the Blair Witch Project (which I haven't seen). Unlike what I have seen in the clips of TBWP the camera is held pretty steady most of the time and spends much of the film on a tripod. It has a very Ghost Hunters feel with the use of the camera. In it a woman and her boyfriend (Katie & Micah) are living together when a demonic spirit that has haunted Katie her whole life begins to make itself known.


This movie met with good reviews by major critics, but is overall poorly rated by most people who watch it. For once, I'm going to have to agree with the major critics over John and Jane Doe. I really liked this movie. The two main leads play their characters almost perfectly in my opinion. They don't seem to be following a carefully written script like in every other movie. They seem like real people. Talking, joking, arguing and scared. Katie is played especially well. The supporting actors, a psychic and a friend of Katie's, are overplayed and really bring the only real eye rolling factor to the movie.


The plot is well done and unlike most horror movies isn't completely predictable. The only moment where you know instantly it is a setup for a further plot development is when Katie makes Micah promise to not get a Ouija Board and he promises not to "buy" one. Anyone who has kids knows that specificity means wiggle room and that means he intents to borrow or make one. Of course he borrows one.


The action moves at a slower pace than in most horror movies but works for this style of film. There are not many visual special effects and most of them are very small things. The effects that are there, are done very well. The movie effectively uses auditory effects to really amp up the tension and suspense.
Per IMDB as of January 2010 it had grossed over $107,917,283. When you consider this is the directors first major film, it was shot in his own home, and cost approximately $11,000 to make it is truly amazing.


Paranormal Activity is well worth seeing, and leaves you on edge. I was watching it alone in my den at about 4am. I about crapped myself when at a suspenseful scene the lights in my den flickered. LOL. It definitely did a good job of getting me involved in the movie. I give it 8 / 10.