The Human Centipede: First Sequence (2009)

Originally written December 1, 2010 at 7:46 am

I heard this movie was so bad it was good. I should have been suspicious when the guy telling me about it, wouldn't say what it was about. Based on the name I half expected it to be some sort of a scifi horror where genetic manipulation goes horribly wrong. I couldn't be further from the truth. While there are plenty of horror movies that are so bad they are good, this one is just plain bad. It is so bad that I'm not even going to research the names of the actors in the movie.


Not only is it bad, it is disgusting on a whole new level. I'm going to spoil the movie but I think you should know before you even think of watching this movie. The general plot is an insane doctor specializing in the separation of conjoined twins decides to make a human centipede. He takes a man and two women and attaches them mouth to anus in a line, so that as the first one defecates it goes directly down the throat of the second and so on.


The acting is among the most horrible I have ever seen. Sadly the two women in the semi-lead roles give their best performances when they can no longer talk (you can guess why). I won't even get into how horrible the cops are played at the end. As with every horror movie the movie starts with the victim's stranded without cell phone reception. Every possible horror movie cliché is in this movie. Think of every possible scenario where you think "Don't do that/go there you idiot!" and it is in this movie.
I can not find one thing to say good about his movie. I would discourage anyone from watching this movie. This is 90 minutes of my life that I will never get back. Had I not been writing a review I would have cut my losses at about minute 30. I give it a 1 / 10.

Skyline (2010)

Originally written November 23, 2010 at 3:02 am

When I first saw the previews for the movie Skyline, my first thought was "That looks FREAKING AWESOME!"


Tony Route and I are the Siskel & Ebert of the department. We go to the movies frequently. Amazingly, every time one of us has a free ticket the movie turns out to be horrible. As Tony and I were walking up to the theater to purchase tickets to watch Skyline, Tony told me he had a free ticket. I told him I hoped we didn't continue our trend. Unfortunately....we did.


Lets start with the good. The CG in Skyline is great, really top notch. The special effects are very good overall as was the cinematography. The movie delivers quite a bit of action for action junkies.
The lead characters are very attractive. Skyline stars staring Eric Balfour and Scottie Thompson. You may know Balfour as Duke on the TV show Haven, or from the series 24. Thompson is probably best known for the TV series Trauma and NCIS. Thompson is smoking, as are the other female characters. I'm sure women find Balfour attractive since everything I've ever seen him in they always find a way to incorporate him without a shirt. The two bring attractive leads to the movie, but that is about it. Acting is about average.


Now for the bad. The plot. Where was it? I have never seen a movie more devoid of purpose or meaning. Hell, even GI Joe had a plot. This movie was basically "Look the aliens are kicking ass, we are so screwed." "Oh look I'm an alien." The end. Skyline could have been condensed down into about 15 minutes and served as lead in to the next movie. Because they obviously set it up for a sequel. However not since Evil Dead has a movie this bad gotten a sequel. And Evil Dead was so bad it was great. This movie is just bad. I doubt this movie will see enough success to get a sequel. If it does, I pray it redeems this movie; because this movie can not stand on its own merits.


If you insist on seeing this movie wait till it comes out on Netflix, or it makes it to the $3.00 movie theater. I give it a 5 / 10. The only reason it scores that high is because it looks great. If the special effects and cinematography matched the rest of the movie in quality it would only score a 2.

Cinderella Man (2005)

Originally written November 17, 2010 at 5:27 am

I went into this movie knowing only that it was about a boxing champion back in the era of the Great Depression. My dad and step-mom are avid boxing fans. I enjoy watching boxing, but I'm too cheap for HBO or PayPerView. As such, I pretty much only watch it when visiting my family in Reno. I didn't know the story of Jim Braddock. I knew only that it had Russel Crowe (Jim Braddock), one of my favorite actors, and that several of my friends had said they enjoyed it.


Not only did I enjoy it, I actually got excited. Toward the end I was on the edge of my seat silently rooting for Braddock. Hoping for the ending I logically knew had to happen, but worried there would be a twist (again I didn't know the story ahead of time). But it isn't the fight that made the movie.


What made the movie was how much you were able to relate to Braddock. In the beginning you can tell he is fighting for himself. He is providing for his family and is a good man, but there is pride in his fighting. After a series of injuries he is on the outs with the boxing commission and his family is living in poverty. Braddock is trying to survive the Great Depression working on the docks. He is skipping eating so his daughter can have his slice of bologna. Eventually he gets on public assistance (welfare) and begs from the commission and his former manager to raise enough money to support his family. Every step of the way you see what a good honorable man he is. As a father I was totally able to understand the pain of seeing his family struggling. After being brought out of forced retirement for a couple of fights, Braddock even pays back his public assistance money. Further showing what an honorable man he was. Braddock's wife Mae, played by Rene Zellweger, is equally as good and strong of character.


You go through the movie finding yourself really liking the characters and feeling like you have a vested interest in their well being. That is a testament to Crowe and Zellweger's acting. Both delivered amazing performances, as did Paul Giamatti. The movie was beautifully filmed, well directed and the fights were choreographed excellently. There is very little in the film I can find fault in.


I would highly encourage you to see this movie. It has something for both adult men and women. I would not recommend letting kids watch it as the fights are brutal and there is a lot of blood. I give it a 9 / 10.

Due Date (2010)

Originally written November 8, 2010 at 12:14 am

Due Date once again pairs up The Hangover Director Todd Phillips and actor Zach Galifianakis. Added to the mix is Robert Downey Jr. Phillips once again is directing a low brow slap stick comedy. Galifianakis plays an almost exact remake of his character from The Hangover. Downey plays his signature sarcastic role.


First I want to point out that this movie bears an almost remarkable resemblance to Planes, Trains and Automobiles. Think of this as the film equivalent of a Sean "Puff Daddy" Combs song. Total theft of the heart of the song, but with new wording.


That being said, the movie is hilarious. By the end of the movie, my cheeks hurt from smiling and laughing so much. This is Family Guy not Frasier style humor. Downey's performance is good. You can start to relate to his character's frustrations and occasional outbursts. Galifianakis's plays his character pretty much exactly as he did in The Hangover. The character is still pretty much just a joke, but is fleshed out slightly by the dialog regarding the death of his father. This too, of course, becomes a spring board for more comedic situations.


My wife, the couple we went with, and I all really enjoyed the movie. It isn't an Academy Award winner by any stretch of the imagination, but it is a great movie to watch, relax and blow off some steam by laughing. If that doesn't work, you can always try what one character does to help him get to sleep. That always works. LOL JK. I give the movie 7 / 10.

Robin Hood: Director's Cut (2010)

Originally written November 7, 2010 at 5:35 pm

Robin Hood. One of the most beloved franchises of films, books, cartoons, etc. I remember watching the Disney animated version when I was a kid. Then Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves. Who can forget Robin Hood: Men in Tights ("tight tights, but watch what you say or else we'll put out your lights!")? I know I'll never forget seeing my drunk brother singing and dancing to that song, then passing out and getting the back of his head humped by a rottweiler. Good times. LOL


Flash forward to 2010. Ridley Scott, the director of such films as Gladiator, Black Hawk Down, Alien, Blade Runner, etc releases his take on Robin Hood. This Robin Hood is not the same one we are all familiar with. It doesn't adhere to the cannon of all the others. It is a totally different take on the story. As I understand, the director's cut (the version I have seen) added 15 minutes that really fleshed out the whole movie. Many critics who hated the movie initially, say they like it after seeing the expanded movie. I haven't seen the theatrical version, so this review will be on the director's cut.


One thing that surprised me in this adaptation of the film was that it actually incorporated a bit of history into it. Robin calls King Richard on the slaughter of 2700 muslim prisoners at Acre. It also referenced the fact that King John had his first marraige annulled and married Isabella of Angouleme. They don't mention that he was 33 and she was 12 though. This gave King Phillip of France the excuse he needed to go to war with England. It also references the Magna Carta as a major plot point, which John did in fact sign in reality, though not in the movie. For those who had read up on the time period, it was nice to see a bit of history brought into the tale. It wasn't perfect of course, but it was nice to see. Now back to the film.


To start off, the cast had very few surprises. Russel Crowe takes the lead as Robin Longstride. Cate Blanchett (of Elizabeth) plays Lady Marion (Not Maid Marion in this adaptation). Kevin Durand plays Little John. It seems like you can't have an action movie anymore without Durand. I was surprised to see him playing Little John, instead of Prince John, or the Sheriff of Nottingham.


The cinematography was beautiful and was even further enhanced by a deep rich musical score. The battle scenes and fight choreography were top notch, as we have come to expect from Scott. The characters were not fleshed out as well as they could have been, but were good overall. Crowe delivered a good performance as always but not his best. Blanchett's performance was quite good. Most of the cast's performances were good as well.


There were some small things of the plot that felt contrived. Like Robin being the son of the author of the Magna Carta, the Merry Men felt more like a scene from Lord of the Flies as they are all children.
Overall I really enjoyed the movie. If you come expecting a retelling of Robin Hood, you are going to be disappointed. If you come at it and watch it as a medieval action movie that happens to borrow elements of the Robin Hood story, then you will be entertained. I give it 8 / 10.

District B13 (2004, 2006 US)

Originally written November 2, 2010 at 6:23 pm

District B13 is the first French film I've seen since watching Jean De Florette in High School English. The movie is subtitled which is fine for me, but will be annoying to some. This is the first movie I've seen where Parkour is featured as a major element. In fact it stars the creator of Parkour, David Belle, as the protagonist Leito. I've been a fan of Parkour videos since I first came across one online several years ago. Parkour (similar to Free Running) is what you get when you take Jacky Chan, teach him gymnastics, and add in a legbail (foot pursuit for my non-police readers). Google it some time, and prepare to be entertained. For those who are wondering, the movements in Free Running are about aesthetics, while Parkour is about efficiency. Anyway, I digress.


This movie has one of the best chase sequences of any movie I have ever seen. In fact, I can't think of one with a more entertaining chase scene. The fight sequences are quite entertaining and fun to watch as well. The Parkour and fight choreography are about all the movie has going for it though.
The acting is poor across the board. I don't think that the actors performances are being lost in translation, but that is a possibility. District B13 is a classic example of what happens when you cast actors based upon their physical abilities rather than on acting skills. Belle is in fantastic physical condition and the stunts are awesome, but his acting is sub par. Most of the other characters that show a proficiency in Parkour are relegated to non-speaking extra roles. The exception is the other main protagonist a super elite undercover Captain Damien with the Parisian police force, played by Cyril Raffaelli.


Damien is some sort of super cop. So super in fact that when an experimental nuclear bomb is stolen and set to go off in 24 hours, they send just him to go and get it. Yeah. Of course the nuke has been taken to the heart of a section of Paris, District 13, that is so crime plagued that it has been walled up like in Escape from New York. Belle's character is a resident of District 13. He is one of the many local bosses in the district where guns, drugs and thugs are plentiful. He is the white knight of the district though. Stealing heroin from other bosses and then flushing it, keeping his building clean, graffiti free and working properly, etc.


Naturally Damien and Leito end up working together to recover the bomb, and rescue Leito's sister from the clutches of the district's major crime lord. The entire film seems centered on showing off Parkour, which it does superbly. However the plot is weak, and fairly transparent. Every plot element seems designed to show how the good guys can win with a combination of speed, strength and gymnastic abilities.


All the negatives aside, I did enjoy watching the movie. It is very entertaining, but do not expect an Oscar worthy movie. I would recommend watching it just for the awesome chase scenes and a couple of the fight scenes. I give it a 6.5 / 10.

Scarface (1983)

Originally written October 29, 2010 at 3:05 am

Scarface, one of the most iconic gangster movies of all time. You can't swing a dead cat in Fresno without hitting either a wannabe thug with Tony Montana on a T-shirt, or on a poster in their room. The line "Say hello to my little friend." is quoted by gamers almost daily. Having not seen the movie before I've listened to dozens of people tell me that I HAVE TO SEE IT! Tonight I did.

Boy was I disappointed. The hype really built this movie up to be on par with the Godfather. In reality it didn't even measure up to Godfather 2. Everything in the movie was set up so predictably. It was as if the director felt the audience was so dumb that he had to advertise every nuance of the plot and every plot twist so that they could keep up. You could tell Tony was going to be at the door to stab the guy. When Tony was going over the plan with Manny for the deal with the Columbians you knew it was going to go bad and Manny was going to be flirting with a woman. You could tell that either Tony, Omar, or both were about to be attacked as soon as they showed the guy with the phone. The second Omar walked off, you knew he was about to be whacked. As soon as they showed the clock with the camera in it you knew they were going to bust Tony. As soon as they couldn't find Manny, they conveniently noted that they couldn't find Tony's sister either. You immediately know they are together and probably eloped and Tony was going to kill Manny. As soon as Tony shot Manny you knew that Gina was going to say that they had just gotten married. Etc. Etc. Etc.

The movie was so transparent that it makes a porno look like a psychological thriller. The acting performances ranged from acceptable to strong depending on the character. The cinematography was acceptable for the period the movie was filmed in.

If you can watch a movie and not start looking forward then the movie is probably fairly good. If you are like me and your mind moves faster than the movie, then you are going to be frustrated. Especially since the movie is nearly three hours long. I give it 7 / 10.